Hi folks and welcome to my personal blog of introspection, creativity, and exploration.

Here you'll find many creations of mine including: comics, short stories, poems, diaries, posts about life, and the occasional post on indie game development.

I'm striving to stay on the creative path to heal and grow.

Monday, October 16, 2017

Pumpkin Wishes

Succulent plumes and an October gray arched sky
Whisked away on an ember glazed breeze
Caressing cracked lips so dry
Whispered incantations of dreamy wanderings
Where, how, when, or before.
Not tonight, for sure?
Come near, all Hallows Eve is here!
The darkness knows the secrets of the cemetery gates
To the whispers of ghosts and galloping specters
Soon, around the corner but not before
As bramble catches children's ankles prickly
A mimicking song of trick-or-treat
In mirrors of reflective night
A cool evening touches masks adorned
With pumpkin wishes and sugary teeth


Friday, October 13, 2017

Aching

Aching heart
Take me away

I want to sleep
To be complete

Find that seed in bloom
Waiting for me

My heart is pining
For the moon

A conversation
Is stuck on my lips

Want to communicate
Soothe my need

Yet feel it’s wrong
To have a need

Want to reach out
Spread these thoughts

But silence fills me
Confusion at what to do

Is it too late?
Have I sealed this fate?

I miss you
Is that strange?

My heart aches
It’s hit me true

Aching heart
Am I a fool?

Thursday, October 12, 2017

Diary of the Hapless Hero: Day 6

© KDB

New to The Diary of the Hapless Hero? Start here.

         Day 6

I just woke up. I can’t stop sweating yet it feels so cold and I have the heating on as high as it can go. To top it off, the nightmares weren’t helping me sleep. Oddly enough, I feel rested even after a few hours of deep sleep. Is this part of my new “super powers”. Ha, super powers. See far too much of that on tv and in movies these days.

I feel more like a freak to be honest.

The dreams I had were disgusting. Filled with fire, bodies, and heated husks of men and women being eaten by something. Something big and hidden in the dark with red eyes. I couldn’t make it out but it saw me and I ran. It was messed up. Felt real. I don’t think I’ve ever dreamed about anything like that before. After the shot Lucy gave me I passed out fast. Whatever was in that thing I want more of it.

After I did a check for her around my apartment, I found a small white note, a bottle of red pills, and a smart phone. (I’m pasting the note here in my journal just in case I need it.) I’m taking my journal with me from now on. If I die, the cops are going to want to see just what kind of crap happened to me. Hopefully my cousin would get a hold of the journal and figure out how to avenge me. If he can get the bravery up to do it instead of sitting around drinking beer. Ah, who am I kidding.

Take these pills two times daily. It will help with the process and fragile changes to your body. Keep them close and don’t let anyone get a hold of them, and I mean no one. I’ll call you on this phone in the future. Keep it close to you and use it to call me in dire emergencies only.

One more thing, someone wants to meet you that might offer some more insight into what’s happening to you. He’ll meet you at Jabba’s Burgers on 4th tonight. You can’t miss him. Lay low and don’t draw attention to yourself again.

Jeez, she has a lot of nerve!

I looked in the mirror and my eyes seem to still be intact. No leaking eyeballs or extra teeth growing in places they shouldn’t have. The growth on my neck has started to get smaller and I no longer look like I’m turning into a three day old hot dog from Al’s stand down the street. Yeah I know what you do Al. Stop keeping the dogs in there for longer than you’re supposed to. If someone finds this journal after I liquify into a mess on the ground, get that bastard for giving me food poisoning last year.

But I noticed there is something weird going on with my vision. It’s cool, but it’s freaky.

If I focus them a certain way I can see those shadow-esque things outside. They’re everywhere, and I mean everywhere.
Some of them are crawling on buildings, some of them I can see in apartment buildings, some of them are walking on the street down below and some of them are hovering around people and slinking beside them.

Maybe I should get a closer look. Tired of being in this apartment.

Day 5 >>

Pit

This pain rings through in encapsulated pits of my own mired core.
My drowned wolf raven heart is turned to an upside down.
Stomach sick and pilfered, with crushing of dreams in stars and an utter abyss.
It doesn't matter as I look recoiled across these words that I've been devoted to mixing true.
Stayed up late, lose dream time and try to repair by gesture true.
"Perhaps I can repair and start again. For what I found truly meant something."
Fix, change, mix, repeat, suggest, cut, paste, repeat.
A madwoman throttling through the pages joyously.
Try to make up for the mud I poured from mistakes born of pathetic choices.
Rushed in first with my sword but couldn't sheathe, trying to heal it in confusion.
On demand, my own defenses.

I try to bring the light and share it through soulful gesture.

Wednesday, October 11, 2017

ENFP: The Limbo of Perception Questioning and Change

One of the hardest things to admit to when going through a deep process of change is the limbo zone. You might know what I’m talking about if you’ve ever gone through massive changes in your life more than once(it would be weird if you haven’t ever changed.). It’s that little moment in time where you are stuck questioning what exactly it is you’re doing with said changes.

No, I’m not talking about simple changes like what color of shoes you should buy or if fish fingers are on the menu instead of burgers. I’m talking about life altering changes. Raw changes. The changes that have come about from a tragedy, a realization, an event, a person that stepped into your life, or even something that was wonderfully orchestrated by the fancy fairy energies in your head.

Maybe it's something you’ve never dreamt of experiencing. Maybe it’s something you’ve always feared facing and it’s finally come to the surface. It doesn’t matter what it is, sometimes deep change is painful. Very painful. But it always happens and there seems to be a point where I manage to get stuck in the process of considering the exploration in my mind, watching the deep changes take effect, and utilizing the deep changes effectively.

It’s my opinion that life gives us many roads to follow and each road has it’s own set of twists and turns that we sometimes have to choose, even if we don’t want to. Perhaps that old road we were on is falling apart or is curving towards a precipice we can’t approach anymore for fear of falling. When it’s at that point, you’re forced to change. You're forced to alter your ways or perspective of yourself and the world around you. You’re forced to leave that old road or you will become a part of the scenery. If you don’t, you might face something even worse than that: the dead end road. That road is abyssal and for many years that road was my home.

My mind is a very active place. It’s a creative home that’s full of ideas, questions, dreams, and thoughts; but it’s a busy place that is always occupied with weirdness and engaging thoughts. (Some meditation helps with this.)

In my daily process I envision various connections to people, places, events, and opportunities that could be utilized effectively. But the connections can get to gross over thinking if I don’t balance it. It can be anything simple like the color of the sky to how it’s related to the color of the water I’m drinking. From the way someone said something to me about their car as compared to how a totally different person said something to me about ice cream the day before and how they relate. From what I’m going to do in the next five minutes to satisfy the little idea monster sitting in my brain or what I’m going to do in the next five seconds to make someone laugh. From how I’ll paint the next piece of art I’ve started or how I’ll make a new frazzled fuzzy crustacean in a short story that I dreamt up while eating breakfast. All of these thoughts can happen in a matter of seconds throughout the day (and that is only a few seconds).

When these thoughts are unfiltered in a conversation with someone that can bounce with me, it can look a bit ADHD. (This has gotten easier as I age, which is probably a good thing for those around me!) But it’s through my own strange ideas, curiosity, drives, and desires that each one of these possibilities are explored outside of my mind. I have to talk about them. My mouth is where I think. My tongue is how I process. Keeping all of those thoughts, ideas or feelings in is detrimental to my well being. I need to talk about them. I crave that connection because it helps me sort out everything.

Anyway, this can leave me stuck in my head at times when I’m considering the many alternatives and the various contradictions that present themselves when change comes a knockin’ on my noggin’. It can get loud in there but it’s kind of fun at the same time. Not everyone likes to hear about these contradicting views, the people I’m closest to can take it thankfully. But even I need solitude sometimes and time to reflect on experiences that help me grow.

But living in between the line of seeing both sides to everything can create internal questioning when I’m presented with something life altering. When I’m forced with facing my own values, morals, or way of life; I can get stuck at the constant questioning of possibility and this creates that limbo by relating everything to everything else or seeing every side to everything. It’s a blessing and a curse at times.

Adhering to a strict code of conduct is tough for me as I see things from many perspectives. Life isn’t that strict all the time. Yet it is needed sometimes. Hardcore change requires reigning in the chaos so you can reflect on what’s important. Without this, order will take a backseat to my daily thought process. Sitting around contemplating connections is great but I get nothing done. This doesn’t mean I don’t have morals, it just means that I see more than one side to something-it means I can adapt and grow.

Inside my mind is a whirlwind of questioning my own proclivity and connection to my own emotions, motives, thoughts, dreams, hopes, realities, fantasies, etc; but it has to be explored in order to move forward. Without that exploration and being stuck in isolation, I won’t thrive. I will simply run in circles like a puppy chasing it’s tail ad infinitum.

While I invite the opportunity to grow and face personal issues that should be addressed: this questioning can roam into darker territories of thoughts or emotions if I don’t reign it in from time to time. This can lead to paranoia too.

It kind of feels like being stuck in a room with a clock that goes backwards every five minutes and I’m moving the clock forward every five minutes.

The only way to break out of it is to face it head on and realize that change must take place through exploration that’s turned into reasoning and then adaptability.

Something too rigid would utterly destroy me. This is how I operate.