Hi folks and welcome to my personal blog of introspection, creativity, and exploration.

Here you'll find many creations of mine including: comics, short stories, poems, diaries, posts about life, and the occasional post on indie game development.

I'm striving to stay on the creative path to heal and grow.

Tuesday, January 31, 2017

Red Dust

Just beyond the red star
dust is forming
on ship debris
all is silent
in the black endless
as far as one can see
pieces of scrap
litter the void
memories of warfare
surrendered to decay
it is where the red star glows
and all floats without a name.

Sketch: Dawn

Sunday, January 29, 2017

The Heart of the Wolf

Only through losing can we truly begin to understand how lost we were to ourselves. I never gave up hope as I was burned by fire and graced with the beauty of this life of suffering. The sorrow through darkness can only be lit up when the fire knows we are ready. It consumes greatly but there is a glowing phoenix waiting on the other side.

There is a secret place for those who can love fully and never be afraid of the bliss that waits around the corner. The heart cannot be tamed and this gives me happiness to know it will always be this way. Anything less would be a tragedy.

The heart is like a wolf that runs free in the open, I will give it over to the wind and let it play in the trees. Placing a whisper on its currents.

Then perhaps, one day, I will get to see what magic can truly be.

I've felt it's essence once when the sun kissed our hands enclosed. I'll never forget.

Only the stars await. There is nothing left to say until that day.

Delusional Habitual Hypocrisy

I often get into tangents and debates with friends about the current social politics that seem to invade our current world with a shotgun blast to the face. So I'm going to keep this short.

It's everywhere and trying to get away from it can be a bit tough even if it seems like it might not be a mass opinion at times. I'd like to think that a lot of the thoughts and opinions aren't supported by anyone who thinks with a bit of an open mind but I'm often disappointed when my expectations are a fairy tale. It makes me baffled when there are bombs being dropped and people are mutilating one another over even more dangerous ideologies. Don't get me wrong, I understand why this happens too, but that's another story in and of itself.

The sad thing is, I understand why a lot of people go forward with a gusto that seems like they are fighting against the dissonance they believe is holding them and society back. But often times it scares me how aggressive one can be with their foothold in an ideology that doesn't support open thinking, rational thought, or compassion. It makes me sad because I know people can think, feel, and objectively look at something. Yet society has generated a pervasive need to spread these ideas out of desperation of our own shrinking existence on this insane spinning rock. It doesn't generate any kind of equal footing or thinking, instead it makes people claw at one another in an attempt to be on top. Is that equality? That's my question.

It makes me wonder where the simple sharing of ideas, communication and open thinking has jumped ship to. Sure, I've seen a lot of debunking and fighting back against such ideas but it seems to continuously go around in a loop of a never ending tug 'o' war as another one props up and is disseminated. Is it going to be an endless downward spiral of hypocrisy? I'm not sure but I think about that a lot anyway. I'm only human after all. Damn, what happened to speaking our minds without being told we're not doing it right? Maybe I'm the delusional monkey that doesn't realize it's always been this way? Am I too idealistic? I don't know.

The one thing that I've learned from all of it has been the lack of compassion for those that actually need attention. The real ideas that are hurting our planet as a whole and the slaughtering, the pure greed. It's easy to forget what we don't pay attention to when whatever is in front of us seems more important. I know even I'm guilty of this at times, personal problems are ones own experience. But this leaves me wondering what our next step is. Is the microcosm of human existence doomed to repeat itself to a destructive cycle of "my opinion is more important and therefore you must die"?

It's a poison and it can destroy a person if they let the ideas consume them and define their existence without a thought towards the possibility they could be blinding themselves. It's a carnival ride people. It's just one big party shit show and I leave you with this poem to remind those of us that aren't alone in our way of thinking that one day true freedom of expression, love, and hope for peace isn't just a dream.

This is your carnival
we’re just passengers
These are your rides
they make us dizzy
they make us cry

You're the entertainer
with melancholic tigers
And unmotivated tricks
it makes us sick
it makes us die

One more passenger
Along for the ride
Climb aboard my friend
We promise smiles
but deliver lies

This is your carnival
we’re tired of the games
These are your rides
and we always wonder

When will this gruesome entertainment die?

Saturday, January 28, 2017

The Human Condition

I can't help but come to the conclusion that one of the biggest things that circulates through our world on a daily basis is the fear of what will happen if a person is true to themselves instead of the expectations society puts on them when it comes to stability.

There are a lot of things that people are afraid of losing in life because of their hard work, and yes even I'm guilty of this fear. Sadly it seems to be part of the human condition. In society we are often taught to build ourselves up from small children to satisfy our future experience of being part of the big adult club. It's a big uphill battle of passing every single test that is supposed to mark us as complete individuals. Yet when we think we've finally made it, we are often left wanting. Grabbing our hair and staring in the mirror at dark circle encased eyes wondering why the hell we aren't happy and don't have fifty strippers feeding us from our cabana in Maui yet. Some of us never even make it to that point and drone away on the uphill battle with uncertainty of where our accomplishments and hard work will take us. Sometimes that's back down the hill too. This is where a lot of people get crushed under the boot of month to month living and fear of having enough money to pay the bills destroys our very being.

Don't get me wrong, dreams are a big part of being human and I'm sure a lot of people have the dream of living a life of simplicity. (If this is you, please feel free to stop reading my insane babbling and move on, if not please keep succumbing to my babble if you like it.) Some even work their way up the ladder to be able to pay for the life of freedom that they feel they deserve much later in life. Still, I'm often hearing from these same mouths they wished they'd spent more time being crazy when they were young.

What is that price tag for decades of a life that a person could have spent exploring who they are instead of waiting for that big payoff man to come knocking at their door handing them a certificate that has a big gold star and a briefcase of money. Excitedly proclaiming that all their hard work is finally done and NOW they can finally sit down and watch all the television they've ever wanted! Now they can finally make the choice to do what they've always desired before the reaper comes knocking in 10 to 15 years time!

 As a society we are taught to deny our inner happiness with the idea that happiness will come and overflow us later on. This is a sacrifice of the human spirit of creation and exploration. It's this very idea that we should sacrifice what our inner child says to us that keeps us from living up to a life of self fulfillment or even self fulfilling work when you can find it. As people, we make choices, and those choices will always affect us in the long run of our own personal experience. This can mold us into either monsters or sheep. The choice is all up to us and what we want in the end. Cause and effect right? But how many of us have made the better choice that gave us all our heart desired?

One of the only ways to navigate this fire of tedium is perspective. Heck, perspective can fuel a person until they're dead. It's simple enough to change the experience of your asscheeks being pinched constantly by a cast of crabs into a positive one if you just changed your perspective, right? So that begs the question, when does that perspective become a lie you tell yourself and you keep getting your ass pinched and suffer for eternity? Asking yourself, "Gee, I wonder why my ass hurts so much?"

Morality can also play a huge part in why we make the choices we make on our own journey. But what can be said of morality if the human condition in our current society is to keep us as cogs in a large machine that satisfies a very small percentage of us and our own personal happiness? Surely more freedom, exploration and creativity should be important to us as a species when serving one another in some form or fashion? Shouldn't that start at home and in our education? That's how most of our great accomplishments as a race have come about. Innovation, creativity and intelligent ways of thinking outside of the proverbial box.

Expectations are a huge killer as well. Too often, myself included, we get caught up in the fear of letting someone down who has expectations of us and what we are doing to better their own experience over ours. This is something I can't seem to get my head around that we do as people. I suppose that's all about our own conditioning from the type of homes we grew up in. But what is the point of lying to yourself for the sake of others happiness and comfort? Even worse is sacrificing your personal wants and needs to fulfill the expectations of someone else who thinks they know what's better for you. That will actually destroy a person.

This is a travesty in life and it happens far more than I think people are willing to admit. Where is the joy in that kind of life? Damn, we only get one chance right? To this I say, don't be afraid to speak the truth even if it means you admit something to someone that you might disappoint in the end. Even if it makes you sound utterly insane. How can one even be happy if they can't say or do what they want out of fear of the outcome? That is personal bondage. This is a lesson I've learned in my own personal life lately and saying what I had to say to people around me has freed me from the personal prison I'd inhabited and kept inhabiting of my own free will. I was eating the key too, damn it tasted bitter. If you enjoy the taste of rust, keep on a' chewin' my friend.

I wonder what will happen to us as a race sometimes and what might happen the more workforce is replaced with something simpler and more efficient. How much longer money will be a driving force for our future and happiness? What happens when that collapses? Will that finally be the time that people get to explore what really makes them happy and fulfilled, or will it lead to another form of complacency or a different type of society that places new expectations on our human condition? Will we turn into pickles?

One can only hope it leads to us having free will to make our own choices without being influenced by family, religion, expectations of others, and suffering as every part of our life is stripped away and we are nothing but husks with no free will left. Perhaps then, and only then, will we be able to move beyond the need for greed and our personal experiences will be so important to us so they lead us to something even greater: truth, creativity, self fulfillment, innovation, happiness, and even the love we deny ourselves.

Failing that, just do a little something crazy before you die. That is worth more than the certificate with the gold star. The memory of doing what you wanted for once and freeing yourself from the shell you've created in order to fulfill some kind of half baked expectation. Just a thought.

Sketch: Two

Soul Rapture

An awakened sensation
Scintillation inside me
A language of the soul
A sweltering bliss
In every heartbeat
Every cell
Every nerve
Oh serenity,
whisper your name to me
Please me
Soothe my aching soul
Primeval hunger
Ambrosial deliverance
Drunk on it's essence
Cloudy vision
Absent to all around me
Crimsoned cheeks
I could succumb forever
to this seventh heaven

Friday, January 27, 2017

Puzzle Pieces


Left alone and seeking the one I left behind
I arise and see the storm before me
I revive
New breath

A strength and peace rises inside of me
No more fear
I walk forward with the truth in my bones
Free from the doubt and the secrets

A love inside of me that reflects back to me
I can face anything
I step into the storm
I look for the one I’ve left behind
Myself and yet someone else

The storm swirls in a vortex
I see the universe and it’s truths
All it’s wanted to show me
I move forward with purpose

Thursday, January 26, 2017

Spring Illustration WIP

No More Pain

The pain begins to subside
Replaced by the most beautiful flow of love
Grown from the shadowy reaches of destruction
The choking ivy begins to release
A metamorphosis to an endless fountain

I understand and I am no longer afraid
I can only see the sunshine as it poured over us
The moments that it seemed the moon illuminated your frame
Only the artistry of this love flows through me
The pain is gone

I find peace in the most random of moments
The voices of those around me go dim
A smile spreads on my face
My soul speaks to me
I’m dancing in a field of tender truth
Fear and regret abolished
Forgiveness and love pours through me

I plead and hope this isn’t temporary
I am drunk on it’s pureness

Oh how we danced under the moon my love
Kissed by the shore
Dreamt upon the stars
Tasted and explored our fires
Joined as the lovers
Etched in time
We could have taken on anything
Our season was the most authentic thing I’ve known

My heart soars
A spark in my soul
It’s soothing
A small ache of yearning
But only bliss remains
Only love I wish to give

The cosmos told me their secrets
My body crashed down
All my life suffering came to this point
It was all so fast
A phoenix emerging
I can only see your smile

An incantation for my love
As I awake in the night
To the feeling of the purest freedom

A wish of only seeing your smile
and knowing you’re happy everyday
It’s more than enough
Perhaps the universe will one day grant me my second chance
To show you my appreciation
But I will flow love for you
Love is all there is

I know it’s written in the stars
I’m not scared
For once my eyes are open
All because of you

Wednesday, January 25, 2017


The Shadow of My Dreams

I’m wandering
Following unlit trails
Jagged stones beneath me
Dark caverns above me
Creatures slithering around me

Where do I go?
Can’t find the center
Can’t find the exit
Head spinning
Forward, backwards

A man
A shadow that has haunted me for years
Beckons me
he takes my hand and leads me toward a purple light
A gate
A dark forest awaiting beyond it’s iron spikes
Black but divine twisting trees
A sky filled with combusting stars

The shadow looks through me
A face darkened from my view
Try to see who it is
What exists behind those eyes that have haunted me?
Do I know you?
An odd comfort
A phantom I’ve dreamt of for decades
Saw in my peripheral vision
Glimpses in reflections
Presence in the night
Deep embedding

Formless, he walks through the gate
I try to follow
The gate won’t open
Want to leave
Darkness consuming me

Feel him
Heavy breathing
A whisper in my ear
Such a familiar voice

“I’ve always been here.”

Tuesday, January 24, 2017

Sketch: Cave Diving 01

Rabbit Hole

Is it too late for us to return?
Our senses numbed with the constant growing shades of grey
Washing away into an ocean of data
Over processed minds and under processed hearts
Work for the green and eat personal destruction
The machine eating our hopes and dreams
of everything free
Our eyes burning with a swelling fire of tedium
Dancing in fields of metallic roses
our wings a formless dust
Burnt to ash
Love but a choking whisper on a latex smile
A wonderland of lucrative agenda
follow the rabbit hole into the maw of the automaton
Drink the toxin to escape the pain we sow
Ambient fluid dripping from our fingers
we will sleep in graves of stale pressurized air
Never returning to harmony

Down they fall,
drop the bombs

Monday, January 23, 2017

Broken Dreams

The once lively prince now a broken king
An effervescent star now surrounded by clouds

The pilgrim wanders in a state of blindness
her secret library undiscovered hidden in the trees

Their labyrinth in between
Love in dreams and memories