Hi folks and welcome to my personal blog of introspection, creativity, and exploration.

Here you'll find many creations of mine including: comics, short stories, poems, diaries, posts about life, and the occasional post on indie game development.

I'm striving to stay on the creative path to heal and grow.

Saturday, February 25, 2017

Being Myself


There is a beauty in the pain of rewriting the self. The lessons always seem to be never ending and some days it feels as though I am getting even further away from being human than I ever thought I could be. (Or is that getting closer to being truly human?) The awareness of every thought, emotion, reaction, and constant pushing towards my own lessons can at times seem very painful. This destruction can be wonderful but it's also a fire that burns through everything, revealing myself and my weaknesses yet again.

Thursday, February 23, 2017

That Little Voice



A person often meets his destiny on the road he took to avoid it. - Jean de La Fontaine

Mastering the self is a very hard, difficult, and time consuming process. One might even say that full mastery isn't attainable and you can spend your whole lifetime doing this; and that is okay. For me, it's a road I've found myself trekking on presently. It takes a lot of time to actually sit down and process the different emotions, thoughts, experiences, and past reactions to everything that's happened to you in your life. It's also hard because of the world we live in today. It's filled with so many distractions and roadblocks that a person can easily get lost in dark corridors before they realize they've been following a path that doesn't embrace their dreams. It's always easier to ignore the choices and destruction you've caused yourself if it appears as though it's happiness; or at least what the world thinks should be your happiness.

Getting flipped upside down will force a person to detach from shadowy roads and find the true one that's been laid out in front of them all this time. It might even have neon lights that you've missed because you were so damn blinded by everything around you. No matter how much I thought that my life was going the way it was supposed to, and that I had complete control of every faculty of my life; it all fell apart into the mirror of truth. Thus revealing the illusion of control. 

There is a little voice that speaks to us throughout our lives. You know what I'm talking about right? The one that tells us the truth. The one that pushes us to be who we truly are. Yet, we are taught to ignore that little voice. We bottle it down and tell it that we know much better than it does. It doesn't understand because we're grown up and know what we're doing, right? We'll continue to keep it bottled up too; tucked away with our perception of reality as it's captor. 

Meanwhile, all of our dreams start dropping one by one as the little voice becomes silenced. It becomes a faint whisper until it's nothing but a dying breath. Pressures around us keep us bound up in the illusion of a life we think is true to ourselves and our sole existence. Yet, it's just another illusion. That little voice might scream at you once in a while too. You might continue to ignore it for years. Then one day, you simply can't ignore the screaming. That's how you know you've been lying to yourself for decades. That's when another illusion is shattered. That's when you finally see your bare naked self and everything you never wanted to accept.

I do think a person can go their whole life with this untapped part of themselves. All the way up to death. I know I've done it for most of my adult life. I continued to drone away and walked around the world unsure of where I was going with myself. Led by experiences that I thought would give me the most out of my life on this earth. While there is a wisdom and knowledge in embracing the world and it's various different ways; (it can certainly help open your eyes) it doesn't give you an internal exploration at the deepest levels of yourself. I failed to realize that there was something deeper inside of me I was ignoring. That voice that told me there was a deeper void inside of me that needed to be explored. It was screaming and I had no choice but to finally listen. 

I think I'm finally understanding what it means to be human and that little voice inside of me is no longer silenced. Just a thought.





Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Eleven to One

Where do you end and I begin?
A passenger inside these lungs
Your heart howls
Your soul cries in pain
No peace in twilight
Only a few moments 
I know this familiar sting 
Eleven to One
The clock tells your fate
I watch, wait for your sleep
Eleven to One
Irregular heartbeats
Is it worth the momentary calm?
The sting of your concoted release
Relish the toxin you use to feel peace
My eyes blur 
Sickness 
Your metamorphosis complete
The lie 
Pulling me towards your event horizon
I hold this pain
Punishment never tasted so sweet
A bleeding heart will persist
As I stand on this Golgotha
Watching you crucify yourself
I pull the nails 
They never leave
The thorned king will deny the truth
As his wings dissolve in vain








Monday, February 20, 2017

Sketch: Zara Casting


Eros

Your flames burn me 
I dance feverishly upon the ash for you
Your light beckons me
I am beautifully bewildered and hungry

Darkness surrounds me
I drink your licking flames 
Scorch me finely
I savor the spark

Speak to me in devouring tongues
The language of the sun
I crave inertia between us
It whispers faintly to my cells

Pushing and pulling 
sighing as one for eternity 
On my right 
Eros' arrow pierces through me

Your bow precise
of flesh and soul
Ravish through my weakness
Pleasure in this coaxing pain

Weak in the knees
pulsating in my veins
Purest light claims me
Collision divine cradles me

On my left
Erebus defines me
Restrains me
Panting swirls of intoxicating plume

Burn me and make me surrender
Ignite my swelling
Tease my patience
Carnal wildfires burn inside me

You tempt me across time
With your precision
I still shatter at your silent gaze
And kneel before your ravishing

Since ancient times Eros stalks me
Hunts me 
Destroys me graciously
And I always succumb as he consumes me










Sunday, February 19, 2017

A Lesson

Words will never push the boundary line
as silence will always descend from pure intention

Glossing over this shaded tree as I find only more layers in suffering
the strength is inside ourselves beneath the fading leaves

If a thousand tears couldn't break the fortress then nothing will
and yet I always returned to your wheel of pain

I always loved you no matter how much distance
no matter how much time displaced

And here the universe has shown me true loves lessons
that it was deeper than my own perception

Where do I end and you begin? 
Through pain as I hold this space and purge our stain

Heartbeat after heartbeat
One over the other, alive

Grief and regret are a pity of the potent kind
no time for that or understanding of one's own plight

Got better things to do when the heart breaks fast
and the soul climbs it's cross 

Surprised to see those tired eyes 
Life dies inside as the mirror never lies

It will be okay. It will be okay. 
Repeat this to ourselves everyday

As the soul cries out for understanding 
but only personal discovery will provide

But like the silent years of suffering
it can fade away and present no compassion

This punishment gives birth to so much more
if one can rise above the painful lessons

And yet I will always understand your shade
because I know what is behind that curtain

Eyes of fire and blood that boils
with freedom of heart and spirit

Even if you die inside, I stay attached
and my other half drowns in quicksand

As I let you go, release this boat
watch your back fade as this river takes you away

It must be done
that is the lesson

But there will always be that heartbeat
no matter the years of pain

The stars will only know your return
even if that's never and my soul flies away






Saturday, February 18, 2017

Lust for Life

I dream of the flower 
of the kiss that flows eternal

The aqua waves rush in and soothe me
Every creature of the sea enmeshed

I dream of something puzzling yet simple
of the fingers intertwined in mine

Each touch is awake and buzzing
It doesn't take or destroy

I sing of the body and the soul
watch with totality ripe

The fireflies dance on the stone
wind soft and true 

I sing of love and truth 
boundless laughter and pain dissolved

I'll never give up this lust for life
and all it's fruitful endeavors





Thursday, February 16, 2017

Healing and Awareness


In the past four months I've been on this incredible journey of self discovery, healing, and balance in a need to understand parts of myself I'd been ignoring for decades. At the start of this journey I was very much lost in a sea of confusion and grasping for external validations to give me an answer to whatever it is that was happening to me internally; and that is fine, especially if you've never really been a spiritual person your entire life. It's bound to happen that you'll want answers. Yet all the while, the answers I sought were only leading me down a further path of confusion, pain, and ignoring of what was really going on internally; no matter how much I'd thought I'd changed.

Sketch: Zara Thinking


Wednesday, February 15, 2017

The Game of Life


Life is a game. When we look at the difference between ourselves and the experiences that we draw to our lifetime, it's so easy to spot what kind of characters we are playing out. Especially if you have any kind of self awareness to the polarity of your own characteristics. Your strengths and your weaknesses. Your positive and negative qualities. Whatever way your internal value system has led you to believe what you think is good or bad (in any spectrum possibly) reflects in what you do when you navigate.

What Is Love?

A connection that can’t be tamed
It burns like embers
And grows like vines unheeded
Dances like stars adrift
upon the ocean's waves
It comes back to one’s self
And shows you the truth
of your blinded existence

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Shadows and Patterns



Living true to ourselves is definitely something that requires deep introspection. There are a lot of reasons that we often stop ourselves from looking deeper into our own conditioning that we never really explore. It can be either out of conscious or subconscious efforts. It's easier, right? To step back and say: this is just how it is and I've accepted it. There can be many reasons as to why we choose to stay in horrible situations; playing out past dynamics that we don't realize are a part of our own veiled perceptions. This was an introspection I needed to explore to get at the core of wounds of my own past and present.

Sunday, February 12, 2017

The Road of Creativity


Recent events in my life have lead me down a path that I'd never before imagined I would find myself on. A place that has opened up my eyes and spilled out every perceived notion from my mind like grapes being squished in a strainer. Old behaviors, beliefs, and patterns that I had adopted due to my own upbringing and life choices were bobbed up to the surface. My own self defining movie reached a precipice of understanding that I can't even begin to describe.

Saturday, February 11, 2017

The Label Machine


I've never really liked labels. I'm not sure how many people actually like labels. Probably more than I care to imagine. But from my personal experience I find they often narrow down the view of something that could be looked at from many different angles. The label creates a stop sign for growth. It's like stepping on a Lego with bare feet and never checking what's on the floor out of stubbornness because you decided to go that way at the beginning.

Friday, February 10, 2017

Create



I want to create
Feel the universe
Sunshine on my skin
Love in my heart
A song in my pulse
Joyful energetic creation
Rise up and collect
It's alluring
Calling my name
Soulful vibrations
I want to create
And never look back

Thursday, February 9, 2017

Baby


Baby, that’s just how it is
Try to dance upon the rose to find the prick and stain
and wonder why it hurts when you feel that sting
With bloody feet and tears that streak

Poised with your neck so high, with diamonds in your eyes
that’s just how it seems when the tide is high
It’s always easier when the waves subside
and the stars, oh baby, they shine

Oh keep that crinkle in your smile
Save it for a rainy day when sunshine comes your way
I’ll never lose that sparkle in my eye
Always cheer in my step, despite the coming tide

If you lose your lust for life
I hope you find it again, when your waves subside
Because dancing on dying roses is a crime
A crime to your heart as time slips by

Baby, that’s just how it is

Sketch: Picnic


Wednesday, February 8, 2017

Seed


Caverns of pith
Inside my chest
Pumping blood
Essence of love

Leaves of limerence
Falling dead
A cocoon forms instead
Growing chrysalis

A seed planted deep
Imagine
Growing and climbing
Ever so slowly

Moon over sun
Sun over moon
Metamorphosis
Eye to eye

Reflect and learn
See the truth
Re-emerge in time

Embrace

Tuesday, February 7, 2017

Illustration: Cute Moon


Vagabond


Chaotic waves abound in the sea of past whispers
Navigation of stars that create fire inside me
Only subsides with polarity and alignment
Crashing waves take me down out and through
The abyss below me and universal truth above me
A tug of war between the soul and mind
Pain doesn’t lie but will this destroy me?
I fall and burn, embrace the pain to survive
Exhilaration and destruction
The darkness calls me but the light beckons
Which will save me from this suffering?
A supplicant of the universal test
What is the truth of this pain?
An outsider
A vagabond with clarity
No mortal man believes with their eye
Only the mad man with the same map as I
I will endure the silence and the pain
Until deliverance upon the stars aligns
And I can finally return

Monday, February 6, 2017

Duality, Harmony & True Connection


I've been learning a lot lately about the nature of my own duality and the cycles of past emotional traumas from upbringing and experiences in my life. In a lot of ways the process of breaking down barriers that keep me from harmony inside myself have involved going deeper into the "upside down" version of myself, or in this case the "shadow aspect" of myself.

Facing the fact that most of our world is based in patterns or cycles of duality has been a massive exploration since personal events have triggered my own patterns inside myself. Trying to be conscious and understanding the subconscious structures that are in my own light and dark self isn't easy. Fully going through the patterns of thought and behaviors I've developed over decades is not something I've ever explored. I don't think most people do this: but what if we had that opportunity to connect with someone that triggers that cycle? Awakens a part of us that's been asleep?

Sunday, February 5, 2017

Chasing Stars

The wanderers that dance at Lucifer's song of human recognition of condition
Out through the ivy tangled fingers we caress emptiness
I dream a dream of the clouds encircled
As collision with the pointed eye pulls me down
In the puzzle of this endless circle of implosive thoughts
Created an immortalization in the universe of the forever kiss
In eternity and slumbering with back turned, eyes closed
Masked and drudged of the molasses emotions that bring it down
Caress existence in the pond of celestial ecstasy in the softened eye
No longer find the words that can tend a soul hungry for succulent truth
So consume the apple of pining in Eve’s embodiment of love and sinners knowledge
If the planets explode in the flurry of amber origin only then it’s wisdom revealed
We the dreamers who constantly chase after stars that shade from our view
To suffer will forever be our ambrosial drink that drips from trembling fingers
Into empty mouths that never quench without pure beats of mercy for longing bliss

Sketch: Zara & Potion 01


Saturday, February 4, 2017

To Grow or To Become More Alien



I've always been the kind of person that appreciates proof, evidence, or scientific study for some kind of plausible explanation to something unknown. (I'm not saying that I'm not a creative and imaginative person, I have lots of crazy theories, ideas, and enjoy metaphysical exploration; but something more tangible is always welcome.) Lately I've been reading a lot more about quantum entanglement, quantum physics, and theosophy to gain some insight into unexplained events in my life.

The Treasure of Argalia Cover 01

© KDB

Friday, February 3, 2017

Sketch: Reversal


In the Zone


Anyone who is creative on a regular basis knows what I'm talking about when I mention being, "in the zone." It's a blissful feeling of whatever you seem to be working on, no matter what it is, absorbing you into it's personal existence as you flow with it. (Maybe working is the wrong word, more like bringing it to life.) It's such a friggin' fantastic feeling and a lot of times when I get lost in that feeling I can't get out of it for hours. Which can be detrimental if you, ya' know, have to eat or something.

Sometimes it can even feel like a high, something you don't want to come back down from and it makes your senses overflow with a feeling of complete serenity. It's as if whatever you're making has decided to deliver you this massive answer to a question you've been trying to get for decades. You even look crazy too. Your eyes are glossed over like a mad person and everything around you kind of disappears into a black hole.

Lately I've been in this crazy mode of non-stop creation. I've experienced these heightened senses of being in the zone more than once a day and sometimes I forget hours have passed and I'm wondering where the day has gone. It can be exhausting but the feeling of exhilaration is fantastic. It's even been able to bring me back from the brink of depression and helped with growth inside of me as an individual.

I used to have a lot of confidence issues in my creative process when I was younger. This was a large road block to me finding the ability to just let whatever needed to be said or created to come out of me. Didn't matter what it was, I was always second guessing my own creative intuition. That is like stabbing yourself in the foot with a shiv, it only hurts and keeps you from walking forward. Getting in the zone never happened then, until I actually learned to let go of the need to be in some kind of perfected technique. I'm a self taught artist and a lot of the things I create come from just getting my hands dirty and going with it. It also doesn't help when you can't express yourself freely. Expression is what it's all about. It's sexy. It's great. It's amazing. I love it. More of it.

So where does one cultivate the ability to get "in the zone" and out of the "how can I do this I suck" zone? My simple personal answer has been: culmination and spontaneity. Through a process of using everything you've learned about in your own life experiences, hobbies, and ideals; it will come to you as you pick up that paintbrush or digital pen. It doesn't matter what it is. It can be anything. All of the things that make me feel happy, fun, or like I'm learning something deeper about myself will fuel whatever it is I'm working on. Sometimes this can lead to my own self mimicry in my art but it's through that expression that I can keep creating something that is personal enough to satisfy the thirst of being true to myself.

So, what am I getting at? Perhaps being "in the zone" is really about being shown intuitively that you are "on the right path" towards creating whatever it is you have to get out of you. Almost like a personal compass that's pointing you towards your creative goals. Shouting at you and giving you a little personal shot of dopamine so you can keep going. It's sexy. It's great. It's amazing. I love it. Lots more of it.

If you do manage to get in this zone and you are someone that likes to create things, I say this: Don't stop. Just feel it and go with it. When you step away, you will probably see something quite amazing that you didn't know you had inside of you. Even if that means you drew a popsicle made of dinosaur parts that have been soaking in a tub of moonshine and Cola. Okay that's a little weird...but you get the idea.




Sun and Stars

I remember the sun and the stars
The laughter

Nights I never wanted to end
The rain as it spoke our names

A gaze that could turn the world upside down

When the shadows wait around the corner
They can give you strength, my star

The journey of the cosmos is never ending
It’s paved with pain and sometimes grief

But it’s only meant to lift us up
Back to the constellations we danced upon

Towards the sun and the stars
Where love never ends

Thursday, February 2, 2017

Love's Incantation


Reflection of my soul
Freedom
Bouncing through energy
Alive

Wolf at my right, gaze of strength,
“Patience.”
Raven on my left, whispering,
“You’ve found it.”

This secret spell book
Incantations of the stars
See all through the eye
Purpose once more

Into the earth
Fully connected
Transmutation
Feverish expressions
Desire
An evolution

No longer afraid of this power
All else is transitory
Love is the essence
All else falls in it’s energetic wake

Whisper of the moon

Song of the sun

Wednesday, February 1, 2017

Creativity and Love

The power of creativity has been a very large subject on my mind lately. Throughout my life I’ve often lived only in one state of mind, fully operating from a capacity of survival and sometimes even going on autopilot to get through the hard times. Sometimes I didn’t have a choice in the matter but to try and protect myself. I’ve learned how quickly ignoring something deep rooted in the sense of self and running from it out of survival can destroy you.

Rats

“So, what kind of reward are we talking about here?” Cecile looked over at the overly focused wizard, Vern, who was reading his spellbook by the fire and tossed a piece of bread at him. He ignored her and continued reading.
“A nice reward more than likely. Maybe even enough gold to get that dagger you’ve been obsessing over.”
Sitting next to Vern was a lumbering man with too many muscles and a scraggly foam covered beard. He put his feet up on the table where the groups gear sat spilled out before them amongst half empty mugs of ale and plates of the cheapest food on the menu.
“I don’t know. I’m kind of enjoying the break. Besides, I might be able to find another way to get that dagger.” A coy expression crossed Cecile’s face.