Hi folks and welcome to my personal blog of introspection, creativity, and exploration.

Here you'll find many creations of mine including: comics, short stories, poems, diaries, posts about life, and the occasional post on indie game development.

I'm striving to stay on the creative path to heal and grow.

Tuesday, May 30, 2017

Sunday, May 28, 2017

Chicken People or People Chicken


I eat a lot of chicken. It’s one of my favorite things to consume. I find it tasty and it can go with anything. It can go with salad, pasta, bread, soup, potatoes, rice... I think you get the picture. Chicken is fantastic. I also like the chicken dance. Watching someone bob their head badly to a tune makes me chuckle inside because despite the fact that person looks ridiculous, they are enjoying themselves immensely. Do your thing, okay?

My mind often wanders to the thought of where our world would be without chicken. We’d probably be eating a lot more beef. Not that we don’t eat beef all the time. Good beef can be great. But chicken is truly the simplest meat to put with anything else.

Think about fish for a second. You can’t really put fish with many things. Okay, a chef might not agree with me. A certain person that decided to make a fish sing and hang it on the wall would disagree with me, but I digress. Hell, most people will probably disagree with me. But I still find chicken to be an easier meat to cook with. It could also be because I have a disposition to get angry every time I think about tuna casserole. But that could be something to do with the fact that I grew up eating a lot of tuna casserole. I have to say it’s one of the worst dishes I’ve ever had. You can’t escape it’s rancidness, no matter how many different frozen vegetables you put in it.

Saturday, May 27, 2017

Eden

Darken me through this binded flesh
The desires hiding behind your affirming lips

Let me taste the air in your heaving lungs
As words slip from your moistened tongue

Pull me into your horizon with purpose
On my knees present the gilded apple to me

Tell me what I long to hear so feverishly
The pressure of a forked tongue that ravished me

A cup of sin drips down my throat
Whisper the questions that you want to hear

Punishing me with a forced confession
That brings to life my pleasures poison

It burns and lures my hungry need
The slow droplets of lusts elixir

It coils back and snaps at me corrosively
Sinking fangs in with a deceitful kiss

A song of listlessness in your eyes
The fire burns inside and curls around

Showering me with the insatiable knowledge
The entanglement of being human

I’m swallowed whole by these incantations
By the instinct of my own desires and fears

Pearls of ivory and sighs that shiver down my skin
Emotion flows through a primal stream of forbidden sin

Taste this bliss and open these floodgates confined

Of a heart puzzled and transfixed by love's design

Thursday, May 25, 2017

Mr. Wolf

Tshirt design by guzikArt

Why do you hunger, Mr. Wolf?
 
I don't have any food for you.

You gobbled me up already.

You howl on the wind.

I hear you coming.

You want something scrumptious?

You knock on the door.

I hear a sound.

Oh no, it's temptation.

Why don't you munch on something else?

Keep coming back?

Please, step inside.

Fancy a cup of tea, Mr. Wolf?

No? Perhaps some biscuits?

Oh, wait, I forgot.

Mr. Wolf only eats meat.

Perhaps vegan might be an option. No?

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Eye


Forever gazing into the black encroaching
Eye look down and in your soul of loss
The eye caresses and drowns the voice in stares
It points to the morose in its own glare of mired drip
Down over with the hand and teeth grip
Blood on lips of the gruesome livid eye
Eye sees you and knows all as you meet with it
Room of eyes and putrid smiles of holiness
The sound drowns and water crowns the eye
Under dipping of Orion's belt as screams lost in waves
The eye screams with nectar born dead of plight
It looks across from the eye of judges
Pouring eye of liquid thrashing screams
Black silence forms from hands grip
The eye is there and sees all but says none
It looks down from it's cross
Eye can see but it has no voice



Sunday, May 21, 2017

The Strength of the Human Heart 5


Part 5 of my ongoing blog posts of my experience with ego death and rewriting of my personality traits. Please go here if you are just beginning. Warning 1: Not for the faint of heart or easily emotionally triggered individuals. Warning 2: I am not a psychologist or professional in the field of mental health. These are simply my human and soulful experiences, take from them whatever you want.

Today I'm going to talk about programming our own perceptions and how it related to my so called experience of "twin flame awakening" or even "the wounded healer" archetype.

Goat


I make this special dedication of such an amazing piece of prose to a good friend of mine that wanted it while I was drunk. I made it.

Bleat bleat
Blah blah
Lick lick
Drool Drool
Chew chew
Boohoo
Eat poo
Fuck you
Let's screw?

I will now accept my laureate. Thank you.

Iron Lung

I breathed you in
You were my air
I saw beyond
Tried to pierce your veil
Now this air
It destroys and maims
My mind corrupted
My feelings ache
Just one truth
Just a step
Redemption and love
Was so close at hand
But now it's a poison
And no solace remains
The love now chokes
And an iron lung is in its place

Saturday, May 20, 2017

The Repairman

A firefly drone buzzed quietly near her carbon stained window. The glare invaded the small room with a blast of orange dusted light. Her stone green eyes focused on the intense glow that expanded and shrunk along the windows as cars passed in unison below. It reminded her of the hard day she’d managed to escape from after a warm shower. Steam crossed from the dimly lit bathroom and rose to the ceiling in a luscious spiral, leaving a layer of moisture on the walls of the sparsely furnished room.

She waved her hand through the steam cloud. Small slender fingers fiddled through her dripping wet auburn locks, precariously brushing them. After plucking a sheet from her bed, she wrapped it tightly around her supple waist. Water soaked into the sheet, forming circles around the softer parts of her form and accented her features. She flinched and moaned under her breath when her right arm twitched violently as she picked up a sweating glass of water on her dresser. It shattered as her reflexes betrayed her, crushing it beneath her stiff grip.

“Dammit.” She watched the glittering pieces of glass fall to the floor and the water soaked quickly into the plush carpet.

A sense of relief and joy overcame her when she heard a buzz at her door. Ears twinged in anticipation, she clutched the wet sheet close to her skin. It tightened while she bent down to glance at a black and white security monitor next to her bed. Through messy static lines a dark haired and well dressed man in a perfectly ironed stylish black suit waited patiently. He looked up at the camera, his eyes glowed confidently with blue oasis liquid hue. His sandy skin only heightened the glow and contrasted the intensity of his stare, as though he picked the color of his implants for this factor alone.

“It’s me.” His eyes darted around in paranoia and back into the camera with anticipation.

“Come in.”

She swiftly pushed a small black button next to the monitor. A swath of heat encroached into the room behind him as the door swished open. He greeted her warmly and put a small metal briefcase down on the bed while staring at her; eyes moving up, down, then up again to meet with hers. She turned her back to him and walked over to the window, narrowing her eyes to the street below as he followed.

“Sorry for calling so late.” She waved her hand over the window and it turned a deep shade of gray, dimming out the neon lights from billboards that littered the city.

“That’s alright. You knew I’d come either way.”

A line of light from the bathroom shone down her exposed back and he looked at it keenly as he removed his jacket, revealing a thin white formal shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows. He unbuttoned the first few buttons of his shirt carefully, exposing a lightly moist chest to the air. He wiped his brow with his arm as he became entranced with watching her again.

“It’s been quite some time since I’ve seen you.”

She looked over her shoulder at him from the corner of her eye as he approached, his eyes dug into her soul. She knew what was coming next but didn’t say a word. The ceiling fan in the room spun sluggishly above them but provided little comfort from the stifling air.

“I’m sorry, it’s been work. You know how it is sometimes.”

A crunching sound killed the conversation as he looked down at his finely polished black shoes. Pieces of glass revealed their presence when he moved his foot to the side. An expression of worry formed on his; eyebrows squeezing together and wrinkling his nose. The arm twitched again.

“I knew you needed me. I just had a feeling.”

She closed her eyes as she felt his breath on the back of her neck while he leaned in and gently took her arm. His square jaw met with the side of her face and she held her breath inside the chamber of her heart. She gave in and loosened her grip on her arm. He held it up by the wrist, tracing his fingers along her hand as she squirmed. He moved his hand with strong determination down her shoulder, circling around the elbow, and down the forearm. This examination of her made her cells tingle throughout the rest of her body. Only her arm was manufactured, the rest of her was oh so real.

“How long?” He whispered as he examined her arm closer.

“A few days. Maybe more.” Their eyes locked as silence crept up in between them, only the whirring of the fan above them persisted to cut through its thickness.

Her eyes glazed over as she watched him open the small briefcase. The tools for her salvation were just waiting.  He pulled out an adjustment tool that was pointed and had a small round fixture attached on the end of a thick shaft. He held it like a screwdriver, ready to fix whatever ailed her in just the right spot.

“Remove the sheet.” A clinical request.

She let the sheet drop down; revealing herself to his pervading gaze. He kneeled down in front of her, running the scanner across her arm softly. His elbow brushed up against her thigh and she looked down at him trying to anticipate his next move but his eyes remained transfixed. The sudden sound of a police car siren bellowed past. It’s scream distracted her and caused her arm to twitch violently and fly towards his face in a slapping motion. He grabbed her wrist before it connected and gripped onto it before it could land a blow.

“Told you I was in trouble.”

“Good thing I’m here now.”

The worry on her face turned soft as he eased up his grip and his thumb softly pushed into the release mechanism on her wrist. Her forearm opened up with a pressurized sensation and split into various segments which exposed an intricate system of cables and actuators. Their eyes met again as he moved the adjustment tool inside her arm ever so slowly; mapping it’s edges along a portion of cables that met with her wrist. A tingling sensation rose up her arm and through her chest. The sensation made her breathe heavier. Tension started to build but she let go as he continued to work the tool inside her. The reflex to move her arm violently almost overcame her but he held it steadfast as he continued each rapid movement along the arm.

“You should be more careful on the job.” A coy grin escaped his lips as he glanced up at her.

“Where’s the fun in that?” She pouted.

“True. You wouldn’t get to see me as often as you’d like if you did go easy.”

“Well, you know I always prefer it a little bit rougher than your other clients.”

“Indeed. But this is my job. I’m used to such things,” he grinned,“that should do it. Now try.” He squinted as he looked at his adjustments and held her arm up inspecting it. He seemed prideful in his work and caressed it. She squeezed her hand tight and it moved effortlessly.

“Each finger,” he touched the palm of her hand, “Just one at a time please. Too fast and the overcompensation will make me have to start all over.”

“One, two, three, four, five. All the little piggies in a row.” She counted out loud as she curled each finger downwards towards the base of her palm.

“All of them in a row, just for me?”

“Yes. Just for you.”

The segments of small actuators moved in time as she flexed and waved her hand around in a clockwork motion. The twitches had completely halted and she sighed with heavenly relief. A newfound sense of peace poured through her body. For once the tide of worry on her nerves was no longer there and the precision of his adjustment pleased her body and soul.

“Now, isn’t that much better? Next time call me sooner. Please?” He pushed the release spot on her wrist again and the arm closed up quickly. It no longer revealed what secrets hid beneath the synthetic flesh.

He grabbed the sheet from the floor and leaned in, wrapping it around her waist securely. The damp fabric stuck to her pale skin that was still wet. Their hands grazed against one another as she pulled the sheet away from him and tied it off in a knot.

“Will I see you again?” She asked as his attention turned towards the door and he grabbed his case.

“Probably. The Shi arm series tends to have this issue. Chinese manufacturing.” he swung his suit jacket over his shoulder casually, “but you know I always deliver on your needs.”

She smiled at him, drinking in his dark silhouette in the doorway. Only memories of the encounter existed inside the deepest reaches of her mind and imagination as he left her alone with bated breath for the next time she’d need a tune up - of her arm of course.




Monday, May 15, 2017

Howling

His head is over her
Screaming and shouting
Wailing
Assailing
Pointing and blaming
From the window she climbs
It has all but shattered
From the chaos
And hurt
It could no longer stand
She slowly moves towards the grave
Chained to the specter
Underneath the dying tree
She knew this would happen
A fire would rage from his eyes
Fury and anger
In part of design
And part her own destruction
She couldn't turn the tide
She crawls close to the grave
Fumbles around in her pockets
Until she finds a seed
Clamoring for it’s safety
Against the howling wind
She buries it deep
Next to the grave
Her fingers now stained
The ashen soil a marker
A testament to this disorder
She clutches onto the grave stone
Of the long forgotten child
Who once fell below
Much like her own suffering
She could feel it in her bones
Even if his eyes turned
And he continued on
Or his assaults destroyed her
“I will never let go.”
She whispered to none.

Sunday, May 14, 2017

Solar Plexus Rising

This breaking inside me
This unknown pressure
The peace defines it
But it is failing
The core is burning
These moments I feel this
It defines my heart
I feel it inside me
What does it all mean?
Why does it keep happening?
It pulls me
It's there again
Such need and wants
It's me but not me
What is breaking inside me?
These feelings define it
Coiled viper of outward distortion
Inward I know it
But why is it possible
This shattering?
Who is this?
It's in me but not me
Divinity and pain in love
It's all inside me
Whispers of yearning
There it is
The solar plexus

The Strength of the Human Heart 4



Part 4 of my ongoing blog posts of my experience with ego death and rewriting of my personality traits. Please refer to previous posts 1, 2, or 3 if interested in the content of these posts. Warning: Not for the faint of heart or easily emotionally triggered individuals.

November 17th


I dreamt of it again. I can’t tell if it’s trying to tell me something or if we’re communicating. It’s my heart. I can’t stop the pain. I keep waking up in the middle of the night with intense emotions of needing to reach out to myself. Sometimes it happens out of my own volition and other times it’s out of my control. My dreams are hazy but I keep getting blurry traces of my face. Seeing the faces of the past. What is beauty? Pain and love.


November 18th  


I can’t remember much of my dreams but the dreaming was very vague and I kept waking up out of sleep feeling like I needed to talk to myself. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. The urge to just sit there and think overcame me. The day passed before I knew it and the darkness came again.


November 23rd


Had a very horrible night of sleep. Insomnia. Very little dreaming. Constant pulling at my chest near my heart all day. What does it all mean? Doctors tell me nothing.


So tired.


It was an incredibly hard day today. Filled with so many dark thoughts and felt such cynicism pour out of me. I stared in the mirror again at myself. Deep into my eyes. Feeling nothing but pure fear, hate, and rejected the very notion of love even existing inside me any longer. I know that’s not true but it is. I felt empty, dark, like a black hole was sucking me into the event horizon. It screamed at me as I screamed back. My empathy had all but been destroyed. Why when I give so much? Why?


From the deepest pit of my self I laughed this horribly spine tingling sound. It was immediately followed by tears after telling myself that love never existed. That I cursed those who ever hurt me and that I wished they would feel all of the pain that I'd ever felt that they caused me in my kindness and suffering at their hands.


In a sense I was almost cursing myself. Looking into my own eyes, into the mirror. If I am to curse myself, does that mean I'm causing pain to my soul? What is a soul?


I immediately felt nothing but pure sadness after the outburst but a part of this painful energy and pressure I'd felt on my chest was starting to fade. Guilt hit me all night as I thought that I might be projecting it. Why is my shadow taunting me? I’m so angry. I’m so happy. Colors. Tears. Smiles. It’s all a part of me.

November 27th

Had a nightmare last night exposing fears I woke as I was choking myself in my dreams. It scared me to death but I almost killed me. I need to find a way to center these dark emotions and anger. It almost felt good. That really frightens me. What is happening? Am I dying? Am I birthing? Consigned. What does the raven want from me? Why is it here haunting me? A line of them laughing. I'm not afraid to die.

Saturday, May 13, 2017

Rain

Take me behind the trees and cover me in your shadow
Your tongue can caresses this dryness
Run your hands all over me and show me your secrets
Take from me everything that I can give you
Drinking and discovering what this truly means

Look deep into my eyes as you slide and I grind
So soft and divine, our skin touching
Go slow, feel every second of what’s deserved
Breathe in slow as we crash finally
No more words, not again, stop talking

Exchanging what is supposed to be
Taste you, taste me
Give me what my body has ached for
Deeper, slower, feel every second of this wave
Blood inside my veins pulsating

I will give you what you need
I’ll rise and crown you
Deeper into the abyss we fall
Twisting around one another
Our bodies molding around us

The moon illuminates your skin
I hear your heartbeat inside me
Do you feel me?
Pure desire in immoral bliss
Exploring what never should be

Move in motion together yet again
This grave of serendipity as you lure me
To my death through your kiss
I could spend a thousand hours memorizing your moans
A thousand years of you inside me
Love is our memory

In rain and one another's dreams

The Strength of the Human Heart 3

Artwork by Eduardo Recife

December 3rd

I saw it again. The thing that sits on my bed. Shadow. It felt like me, is it me? It was over me. Imagination or reality? I could see through it. The television illuminated it. Paralyzed me. Nightmares again. Insomnia.


I awake once more after a deep sleep
Memories breaking away from my body
Is this recovery complete?
A streak of light from above bursts me
I am yet again given more air to continue
A small wind of hope
My fingers are raw from these new designs
I solve them quickly, meticulously
Sometimes slowly
Why do you elude me?
Where are these answers I seek?
I’ve been here before
I’ve been in silence for so long inside me
I can see the sky above me through the window
No longer ignoring the sun
I can hear my shadow crying behind every wall
calling out to me
I rush but only find this emptiness
The darkness inside, I can feel it
It consumes me and yet consumes it
How do I free myself from this torment?
If I can solve just one more puzzle
Turn another corner
Go down another hall
The water on the stones from rain
I kiss each stone, I’m so thirsty for answers and recovery
The sound of my heart and breath is inside every stone
I just want to reach it
Escape this dreary flight
I will make it
I will find me