Hi folks and welcome to my personal blog of introspection, creativity, and exploration.

Here you'll find many creations of mine including: comics, short stories, poems, diaries, posts about life, and the occasional post on indie game development.

I'm striving to stay on the creative path to heal and grow.

Sunday, July 23, 2017

Strength of the Human Heart 7

Artist: Kenny Callicutt

Part 7 of my ongoing blog posts of my experience with ego death and rewriting of my personality traits; which is still ongoing to this day. Please go here if you are just beginning. Warning 1: Not for the faint of heart or easily emotionally triggered individuals. Warning 2: I am not a psychologist or professional in the field of mental health. These are simply my human and soulful experiences, take from them whatever you want.

A Moment to Rest, A Moment for Peace

December 3rd, 2016
There is a beauty in surrendering
An illumination that is all around us
I feel overflowing with an abundance of life and love
I can keep going and for once the sun is shining brightly
I can feel the warmth in my body from it’s refreshing rays
Despite the cold of these winter days
The answers don’t have to be complicated
It’s all for a reason and that is simple enough
Too much time spent asleep in a dark forest
Too much time hiding from the light of day
Waiting for an answer
It’s always been there, I’ve just been blinded
The light has always been there
It’s just been waiting for me to realize it
And to finally open my eyes to all that closed them.

Monday, July 17, 2017

The Shed

When I recall the memories from childhood that taught me something life affirming it’s few and far between. At times this can be difficult since the tougher and more defining moments that shaped me were based around difficulties, but I was a kid at some point. I remember with fondness the days that I chased after my siblings in our giant unevenly cut grass yard or the over-sized willow tree that sat firmly as a testament to my childhood. The tree seemed ancient and yawned sleepily outside my window with vines that had grown to an over abundant degree. The vines were long enough to hide under and I would spend hot days there. It also served as the perfect Tarzan shouting and swinging mechanism. I was a daring kid and was always up to any challenge, including swinging around the tree as many times as I could until the vines either gave way or knotted up. This inevitably hurt but that didn’t mean it wasn’t fun.

Sunday, July 9, 2017

The Legacy of Warrior Love in Babylon 5

!Caution: Major Spoilers Ahead!

Have you ever seen the show Babylon 5? If you haven’t I highly suggest it. In fact, if someone asked me to tell them what my favorite sci-fi show is, B5 would have to be at the top of the list. Well, right up there with MST3K (Mystery Science Theatre 3000) but that’s something else entirely.
During it’s airing in 1993, the show was unknown to me and I was far too busy ardently following the Star Trek Next Generation train. I highly suspect that at the time B5 wouldn’t have taken my interest as much as the adventures of Picard and his crew shooting photon torpedoes did. In a way I’m glad I didn’t watch it because I’m sure the dramatic effect of the dialogue and the intelligent yet emotional exploration of Babylon 5 would’ve been lost on my younger mind.  

Friday, July 7, 2017

Honey Dreams

The battle of a sugary day is at an end. The music begins again and the fudge-filled sun goes down on the streets of Candyland. Somewhere you can hear the cries of chocolate hunger and a candy wrapper flapping alone in an alleyway. The bitter dark chocolate wind bites at your cheeks as you dream of something sweet.

Sometimes you can hear the echoes of a distant sirens voice that calls out to you in it’s own hour of need but disappears as you answer. A phantom of chocolate withholding that you desire for your own. Yet this phantom has no intention of ever coming back home with that candy bar you begged for on the phone.

“Please? Just a little bit more tonight. Stay and let's eat something yummy together. A snickers? No, how about just one box of Ghirardelli? We can share it. No? Chocolate-liqueur cherries? No wait, a Toblerone. Yeah that could work. No? Okay how about a bag of Lindt chocolates? A Kit-kat? Twix? Okay maybe a pastry then? Honey? Babe? Hello?”

But the phantom never answers directly as you swim in the waves of sleight suggestions.

Only dreams will ever taste so sweet in Candyland.

You will never know the truth about the cost of guzzling down the sugar poured down your throat while you sleep with a restless stomach and a painful sweet tooth. In Candyland, one is always wondering what comes next as you read between the Pixie Stick lines. The more you try to resist the game, the worse it is. But does the phantom ever answer? Only those dripping with their own precious sugar will ever know the answer.

Because the truth about honey is that while it’s sticky as fuck, it tastes so damn good that when you get a drop of what the phantom keeps at bay, you want more.

Happy World Chocolate Day!

Not for Me, Thanks

She roamed the shops in search of the forbidden treasure
The hidden gift of the land that’s filled with tea,
Binge drinking and good comedy
An assassin of taste buds and dignity
A payment delivered to her awaiting hands
She spits it out in public disgrace
She accepted the challenge
And wished she hadn't
It was the nastiest candy bar she’d ever tasted

A Yorkie bar that she inevitably wasted

Happy World Chocolate Day!

Never Forget

I stand before a chasm and watch as my life flashes before my eyes. A warmth was once in my heart and a song on my mind. There was once something I held here in my hands. Something so delicious and so lavish. Something I needed more than anything else, if even for the briefest of moments.

But like all things we love, it can sometimes be fleeting. Before we know it the light has escaped us. The beauty is drained and we’re left with not even a hint of what we once had. It disappears and leaves us wanting. Craving more of the very thing that is never going to last, even if we know it.

And yet, this signal the universe gives me I fully understand it. The signs and the portents almost never go hand in hand; but I pay attention to the whispers on the wind that tell me to never forget. To always remember that the future holds more of what I once had in hand. There will always be time. We always find a way to make things work in our lives. It’s not the end of the line my friend, because there is always time for one more trip down the block.

Hot cocoa is on sale and I’m stepping over that chasm to purchase what waits for me at the end of this thirsty path. I will be complete once again. As soon as that cup is in my hand. I won't give up!

Happy World Chocolate Day!

The Last Kiss

Tell me all of the secrets that hide behind your guarded disposition?
If I could reach inside and restore that which is missing inside me,
I would do so in a heartbeat, but I’m not a magician.
When the coming tide approaches and the night goes cold,
I’m lost without the feeling of that melting bliss on my tongue.
The sweetest taste is gone from my life and I am hungering alone.
I long, I pine, I can’t take anymore of these nights unsated.
I am begging, on my knees, yet again as I plead before you.
Just give me what I need as I run out of reasons and rhymes
Before you go and take away that which I know is mine.
You know it’s true, I know you do, I know you feel it too.
I know you want to give me what I crave and long for
I’m only asking one last time and then I’ll walk away.

Please, just let me have that last Hershey’s Kiss?

Happy World Chocolate Day!

A Bittersweet Crime

The crime was committed and he took all that was left to give
A stain on the carpet from the night before and a lump in her throat

There was nothing she could do as she stumbled around
She was violated and ransacked of all her resolve

She didn’t know how much deeper her heart would sink
There wasn’t enough time for her to even get a glimpse of the crime

Like a piece of dirt simply wiped away from a shoe
Her own reflection in the kitchen tile replayed the memory

“Where will I go? What will I do now? I just wanted something sweet.
Something to call my own after everything I’ve seen.”

She saw him turn his back on her as he walked away with a grin
It was so quick, so insipid, he just didn’t care for her anymore

Her eyes almost welled up but she mustered the strength
“I’ve been through worse. This is nothing. Come on, please.”

But a loss of control overcame her and she reopened the wound
The light of the fridge reflected in her tired swollen eyes as she glared

An empty spot on the shelf where her gran's famous recipe once sat
Now ransacked by his greed and selfishness as he strolled away pleased

“Who does he think he is, now how will I satisfy this need?
That bastard ate all of my chocolate mousse, son of a bitch.”

Happy World Chocolate Day!

Tempted by the Devil

This need inside of me
Ravenous for just a taste
Just one taste of this wickedness

This hunger inside I can’t deny
When I gaze for too long it burns
I am enthralled and on fire

I move closer and closer
Hypnotized and overcome
Silently craving every piece

I know it’s wrong
The speed at which I succumb
It is uncanny and diabolic

I’m reaching towards it hungrily
I cry out because I am blinded
This sinister lust is my undoing

My vision is blinded by this desire
I am on a precipice and desperate
My grip is failing, someone stop me

It is too late and I have yielded
The wheel has turned
I am back again

What am I to do?
I can’t resist this savoriness
For this Devil’s Food Cake,

is my only weakness

Happy World Chocolate Day!

Your Love is Sweet, But...

My love, I truly love you like no other
I really do you know
This love is such a wonderful thing
The human heart can make one soar
It can give so much
It can also want too much at times
I know I can be greedy but,
My love, I really do like you
You make me smile and dance
And sometimes I cry when I remember the good times
Because you generate so many feelings inside me all at once
Sometimes I feel weak at the sight of this love
And everything it does to me when I dream
Despite my strength of character
Despite my loss for words when I notice you
I continue to try so much
But love, I really have to tell you
It’s very important
Please don’t get angry
Please don’t get sad
Take your time
Sit down
Here, I made you some hot cocoa
One for me too actually
Please, just be patient with me
And just try to understand
This hurts and comes from the bottom of my..well..stomach
It cringes and stings
Feels kind of grumbly
But everything hinges on this truth
I think...
I think..

I might love chocolate more

Happy World Chocolate Day!

Gimme Chocolate

Today is the 7th day, of the 7th month of the year and it’s 2017. Pretty neat, huh? Well, at least most people might not think so. Some of my more creative and strangely unique friends might argue with me and tell me about the alignment of the planets, the numerology of triple seven, the conspiracy theories surrounding the numbers combined, and otherworldly importance of such a number and day. Do people still believe it is the number for that guy with the beard that lives in the sky and tells us not to masturbate? This is all great, I enjoy it. It’s fascinatingly weird. Yet there is something even more important which they are forgetting.

Today is world chocolate day.

So, in lieu of this, I’m going to list seven things I would do with chocolate or might possibly do to celebrate the beauty of this potent drug- I mean confectionery. The saviour of flavour and cure to all that is grumpy, and quite possibly the answer to world wars coming to an end.

  1. I will play 7 games of Guess Who with anyone that challenges me to a match, so long as the winner gets some chocolate. I used to play this game with my siblings and eat chocolate as a child. I dare any to come close to beating the reigning champ at Guess Who. I absolutely owned all of my siblings at this game for many years. Let’s do this sucka. Oh, it has to be at 7 in the evening and 7 pieces of chocolate are required. Your chocolate is as good as mine, friend.
  2. I think 7 Hershey’s chocolate kisses would be a good start to a balanced breakfast. But every 7 minutes, one must be eaten. No other meals will be allowed.
  3. At 7 in the morning I will get up, eat one piece of chocolate on each minute until it’s 7:07. Then I will do 7 crunches or pushups and say with complete conviction, “That should suffice for the sweet intake. It should be enough to counteract the calories of each piece.” Oh the lies we tell ourselves.
  4. I’ll watch the horror movie Seven and every time one of the deadly sins is mentioned, I’ll take a drink of chocolate milk. Here we come stomach distention!
  5. I’ll write 7 bad poems about my love for chocolate and post one every hour starting at 1 in the afternoon until 7 in the evening.
  6. I will melt 7 bars of dark chocolate and buy 7 small boxes of strawberries. I’ll eat one box every hour and dip them in chocolate. Okay, I don’t think I could actually do this. I might need extra mouths for this feat.
  7. Last but not least, the most important of all. I will bathe in chocolate milk or even pure chocolate if someone lends me a kiddie pool. Wow that will be spendy.

Happy World Chocolate Day to all chocolate aficionados, admirers, and those possessed by the chocolate parasite. I’ll see you at the chocolate races. Get your chocolate on you crazy mofo’s!

Come With Me

Come with me, my friend. Sit with me. Take my hand. Join me under this forest canopy. Just sit with me. Walk with me and put old fears aside. Take my hand and just be silent. Look around with those wondrous eyes and watch the fresh air dance amongst the leaves. We are one here. One with what is truly being free. Just you. Just me. Feel the warmth of the sun on your skin as it peeks through the cool shade of the yawning, tangled and stretching branches. Take my hand and just sit with me. Just simply be you and I'll simply be me.

Touch the earth, feel the grass and it's delicacy in your grip. Feel the dirt in your hands. Grind it and claw at it with your hungry fingers. Let it invade gently beneath your fingernails. Dig deeper into the life giving soil and just listen to the earth as it speaks. Throw it if you want, smoosh it, look at it, drop it like sand and explore its texture. Rub it on your feet. Eat some if you want, I don't care. I won't judge you. Just laugh with me as we explore it. Get dirty with me.

Come with me. Let's walk beside the cleansing stream. We can get naked and pretend the world outside this forest never existed. Show me what’s underneath those restricting clothes, all of it. Don’t be afraid. This moment is all we ever needed. This reality is what truly is. No cars. No music. No television. No electronics. No loud grinding. Just this real connectivity. Bend down on one knee at the water's edge and look at your reflection. See yourself. All of you. Who are you? Who are you supposed to be? Beyond the illusion. Beyond the reflection. Take yourself in. Take in all parts of you. A vibrant youth, a middle aged intelligence, a wise old one, a lively child, a crying babe. Every part of you that wants to exist.

Forget the voices. The chains of those that seek to control freedom and attempt to form all human perfections and flaws in their vision. Remember your life before its true beauty even began. I know you know who you are. I see that pain. I hear it. My heart feels that pain. I was there too. Can you? Look into the world you have created and see what’s in your eyes, no matter how scary it is. No matter who you have become. Every choice. Who are you supposed to be? Tell me my friend. Tell yourself the truth. Look into the stream and truly see for once the magic inside of you. The magic that has been stunted by the lies and pain of a life fraught with struggles. I have seen this so many times.

I will join you. We can gaze together. Examine our lies and truths in our eyes. Our reflections will sit side by side as we express every emotion and play with the ripples. Our visages repeat in motion with the water's grace. Smile, growl, scream, laugh, stick out your tongue, grimace, scowl, cry, grin, and blush. Show yourself to yourself. Remember those emotions before the desert took over? Really look deep inside, even if it's endless and unending. I know you can. Look at the most frightening and most important truths. Explore who you are now and who you were. Who you are becoming, no matter who that person is. I remember.

Let's walk along the stream and feel the mud and pebbles under our feet. We can squish it in between our toes. Throw some mud at me. Let me paint spirals on your back with it. Perhaps a smiley face too. I’ll slap some of it on your naked chest. You can playfully spread it on my face. Let me touch you and see you for who you are. The darkness, the light, the gray, the color, the emptiness and fullness. Just take my hand and walk with me as mud creeps up our shins. Stomp through the mud with me and let it get you filthy. Who cares?

Let's run together. Jumping through the forest like we own it. Let’s run and get sweaty. We’ll zip and whiz fast with the wind at our backs. Gusts of air pushing in and out of our lungs, reminding us we are alive. Hold my hand and then let go as you run ahead of me. Race with me. Show me that challenging spirit. It's alright if you fall. I'll be there to help you get back up and if I'm not, I know you can catch up to me quickly. You are strong. Run with me and let these trees pass us by. We’ll surprise the birds that spread their wings on our approach and the scurrying bugs will hide as we storm through the glimmering specks of light. We can laugh and yell. Run and howl. Exhaust yourself with me. I want to see you dripping with sweat and panting.

Stand still with me as we approach an open field. Rest your legs. Laugh and tell me how tired you are. Exclaim that you can't take much more. Huffing and clutching your stomach because it hurts to breathe. Let your body be exhausted. Look out into the field with me at the sunset forming on the hills beyond. Talk with me about it's intoxicating colors. Describe to me how it looks. It's mellow oranges and radiant yellows that collide with the pillowed sleepy lilac clouds. Show me your beautiful mind and talk with me as we walk into the field; covered in sweat, mud, and dirt. Take my hand again and let me look at you. Let's walk through the field and find a place to sit. A breeze will sing a song as the grass sways and reaches for our ankles.

Sit with me again my friend. Talk with me as the glow of the sleepy sun glistens off your moist skin that entices me. Tell me your childish hopes and dreams. I'll tell you mine. Tell me a story. I'll tell you one if you like. Let me hear the words dance from your lips into my eager ears. Now tell me your true story. All of it. We can share. We can laugh and cry. Show me who you truly are beneath the surface. The strength you have had to use to endure trials. The strength of your heart and mind. Your spirit underneath.

Scream at me if you have to. Yell it. Be raw. I’m not afraid. Show me everything. The kicking anger. The seething or the depressive. The madness. The cheer. Put it all out there and let it rip out from you until you can’t feel it anymore. The burdens and the pains. I will do the same. Explore it with me. Right now it doesn’t matter. Be human. Realize the flaws, realize the perfect parts. Recognize it all.

Put down those weapons as the stars appear. Share your secret wishes. I'll share mine. Let me come closer. We can entwine and knot our legs and hands together as we lay down under the stars. Let me hold your hand as we look up at the universe over us. Let me feel the sweat drying on your skin as I run my fingers along your chest ever so slightly. I can feel the nervous goosebumps forming on the surface as we rest here. Put down your weapons and I'll put down mine. Caress my face as the stars begin to fill the night sky. We’ll whisper and point up at the constellations. Imagine better and brighter things. A world created from imagination and how we wish to explore the stars some day. The moon will gaze down on us with a smooth glow and keep a history of our time here.

Let me whisper in your ear as I rest my head on your shoulder. Something sweet or something naughty. Something kind and loving. Whatever you want to hear. Can I caress your lips that have spoken so much to me this wondrous night? Let me lean over you as the gleaming bliss of the moon forms my silhouetted frame in your vision. You can tell me how my hair tickles your chest. Let me push apart your dry lips softly with my fingers and move in closer. Just one kiss, that’s all I ask. Nothing more, nothing less. Let me taste your tongue as it touches mine. I want to feel the soft bumps and cooling glide as they tangle together. A kiss I dream of and never tire of. We can fall asleep here. Let’s fall asleep here and dream of something more. Something real and something to carry with us when we return.

Just come with me.