|Artist: Kenny Callicutt|
Part 7 of my ongoing blog posts of my experience with ego death and rewriting of my personality traits; which is still ongoing to this day. Please go here if you are just beginning. Warning 1: Not for the faint of heart or easily emotionally triggered individuals. Warning 2: I am not a psychologist or professional in the field of mental health. These are simply my human and soulful experiences, take from them whatever you want.
A Moment to Rest, A Moment for Peace
December 3rd, 2016
There is a beauty in surrendering
An illumination that is all around us
I feel overflowing with an abundance of life and love
I can keep going and for once the sun is shining brightly
I can feel the warmth in my body from it’s refreshing rays
Despite the cold of these winter days
The answers don’t have to be complicated
It’s all for a reason and that is simple enough
Too much time spent asleep in a dark forest
Too much time hiding from the light of day
Waiting for an answer
It’s always been there, I’ve just been blinded
The light has always been there
It’s just been waiting for me to realize it
During my process of what most people call an “awakening”, the painful truths were abundant. But during these emotional pains, physical pains, and even spiritual confusion (if you believe in such); I found moments of pure bliss and happiness that couldn’t be described with words. Sensations that could only be felt deep inside my heart and core being. The realization that I could find a completion of my own fragmentation in simplicity gave way to the course of love and peace wanting to flow through me.
I spent many tired days stuck in my thoughts and emotions; untwisting the warping vines of the shell I’d created around my inner child. Something I thought I’d lost so long ago was being taught to me again, but not every lesson was meant to keep me in purgatory. In between those moments of questions, pain, and realization was a reward from the universe that reminded me to keep going. It reminded me to keep fighting. It reminded me that giving up wasn’t an option and while the truth hurts, the blinding fires of pain are worth it.
The celebration of life through releasing the control I’d placed on myself which held me down was a recurring theme. In my opinion it’s very easy for us as people to paint a picture of how things are supposed to be, but it's much harder to repaint that reality and question our own faults or shortcomings. Sometimes the only way to fix it is to start over. A brand new canvas is needed, even if that’s scary, and it was pretty damn frightening. I didn’t know who I was going to be after all of it but I knew it was the only way to move forward. Plowing through the molasses was the only choice I had, going backwards only created more physical and emotional pain. I simply could not ignore it or shove it down any longer.
Constantly being stuck in unanswered questions such as: Why? How come? Why did this happen to me? What does this all mean? Why is this so painful? Why do I exist? Why can’t the doctors tell me what’s wrong? Will this ever end? What am I supposed to do? Why am I still facing these emotions? Why does my heart keep teaching me these things? At the time, it seemed to me that a spiritual awakening was hell and brought nothing but pain; but I quickly learned that most of this pain was years worth of my own emotional turmoil that hadn’t been addressed from childhood. The elation that followed was a culmination of releasing that pressure and getting back in touch with the side of me that could feel freely and deeply.
Those moments of peace that I experienced were a buzzing cleansing truth that coursed through my nerves and pulsated like an energetic euphoria. It was truly a trip. I felt, heard, smelled, and tasted things in many different ways. Music I used to listen to became new again. Lyrics took on new meanings. Activities that I normally felt no connection to became heightened sensations. I could feel my heart and blood pumping through me as though I recently came out of a grave. I had to try everything again and feel it all again too. It all seemed brand new. Foods I used to eat, I could no longer eat. Hobbies I used to enjoy became less enjoyable. The way I spoke, the way I danced, laughed, cried, and the way I took in my surroundings was changing by the day. Even interactions with people I knew for a long time was changing dramatically. Bad behaviours were forced to be changed. The painting on my own personal life canvas was beginning to take shape and I tried to fill it with brand new vibrant colors instead of the muddy ones I started with so long ago. What was once black and white became a jungle of possibility, pulsating with life.
The peace in between those most painful moments gave me the insight of what I’d missed out on. The truth and creativity I’d denied myself because I was programmed to be that way. I was stuck in so many repeating cycles that were harming me and keeping the true authentic me at bay. It’s these very cycles that kept me from the joy and pain I had to feel by letting go. Ejecting was the only way and by emerging from an abusive past that shaped me, I was given the biggest reward ever imagined.
Peace and the chance to reconnect with myself.
I’m still learning about connecting to myself everyday and I don’t think this journey is ever meant to end. But for once I have the freedom to shape that journey and I’m excited about what it has to bring. This road has shown me the many different paths available to me. The many paths I’d missed out on by being blinded to the cycles I was repeating.
Perhaps that is the true gift.